Sexy, Schmexy

Ok, so the interweb pretty much blew up (in a matter of speaking) over Miley Cyrus’ recent performance on the VMAs.

Here’s my one and only statement on the matter:

Miley Cyrus does not shock me with her recent behavior. She looks ridiculous. It’s like she’s trying SO HARD to be edgy and hip and putting the fact that she has a functioning vagina out there that it all just winds up looking stupid and trashy. The collective response to the whole thing was not, as I’m assuming she had hoped, “Wow, Miley’s an adult artist now!” but more like a very big, “Hrmphythsgh?” followed by a lot of squinting, brow furrowing and head tilting.

And she needs to just keep her damn tongue in her mouth. That’s not sexy. It makes her look like a cow.

I know she’s trying to look mature, but I’ve checked with my friends, who are all grown-ass women, and none of them do this. None. (Unless they have chocolate sauce in the corner of their mouth.)

Besides, I’m concerned that her chiropractic bills from all that twerking will be astronomical.

Goop, Schmoop

I seem to have a growing irritation with all things Gwyneth Paltrow. I think she’s a decent enough actress — that isn’t my issue. I think it’s her declarative statements about how she’s just a normal gal, and her recent self-positioning as a “lifestyle guru” that have me a bit irked. (She also considers herself a nice Jewish girl, and while I appreciate the shout-out, when your mother is the ultimate shiksa goddess you really can’t claim to be of the tribe. Well, I guess you can, but we don’t have to claim her back.)

One day I decided to visit her website, just to see if it was as “out there” as I had heard. Turns out that it’s full of super down-to-earth, helpful hints. For example, do you find yourself wondering what to wear this season? Gwyneth has it in the bag:

“The ubiquitous sailor stripe is not going anywhere.”

Well, thank G-d.

“Big bold stripes in jarring colors are the way to go, and the really daring will wear stripes with other stripes, patterns and lots of color.”

I don’t really think I want to look like a circus clown on speed, thank you very much.

“P.S., get on this trend right away, because NEXT season is all about the polka dot!”

You know, I think I’ll ride this current trend out. That’s a lot of pressure.  I need to rest up for the polka dot, which apparently will be the entire focal point of our collective existence.

“Worn by day, the long skirt—whether full or pleated—is completely at ease anywhere. I like to see this silhouette paired with flats; the juxtaposition of the two make it a more casual and languid look. Wear with an oversized blazer, a belted cardigan or even a bomber jacket to complete the look.”

First of all, I don’t think I’ve ever looked languid in my life. I wouldn’t know where to begin. Also, you need to weigh about three pounds to pull off this look. The rest of us would look like bag ladies.

“The Best Accessory: A smile! Just remember, you are never fully dressed without a smile!”

This is not helpful. I think if I were smiling while wearing a long skirt, oversized blazer with jarring colors and big stripes, I’d be committed.

By the way, in another area of her site, she also offers a nice gift suggestion: a $52.50 flyswatter. (I am not making that up.)

I think if she just owned up to the fact that she has had an extremely privileged life and basically has had her career handed to her, I wouldn’t be as annoyed. But no, she is trying to be an Everywoman, who has worked so hard to earn everything she has, and true, while she is married to a rock star and is besties with Madonna, she really understands what the rest of us need to live our best lives.

I speak only for myself, but I can’t take advice from this woman. I am single, eat compulsively, I have a cat who yells at me,  and I have days where I’m just grateful my socks match and I haven’t spilled coffee down my front.

I should write my own lifestyle guide. It would be about a paragraph long, and would contain pearls such as:

  • This season is all about clean clothes. Do your laundry occasionally. Stripes? Paisley pashminas? Feh. Just try not to look homeless.
  • Please microwave your leftover veggie burger before eating it standing over the sink. It is not a burgsicle. While you are waiting, pour some wine in your coffee mug, but let it breathe. Or just blow on it. It’s a $8 bottle of pinot from Trader Joe’s, for Pete’s sake.
  • Need a last minute gift? Forget the French boutiques. Try rifling through your closet for that pen set someone gave you two years ago, throw it in a gift bag, and hope to G-d the recipient isn’t the person who originally gave it to you.

I think it would be a best seller. At least my Mom would buy it.

 

 

In Vino Veritas. Kinda.

Apropos of nothing, I’ve decided that I’m going to lay off the Pinot for a while. True, I only have one glass (-ish) on the rare occasions that I do imbibe (we’re not talking a Mad Men level here) , but there’s some sort of chemical change-over that happens with the first sip of wine and all of a sudden whatever my table companions are talking about becomes FABULOUS and FASCINATING and I must ask them what I am sure are absolutely BRILLIANT and INSIGHTFUL questions because they are just the must INTERESTING dinner companions I have ever had. And yes, nice server person, everything at the TABLE is WONDERFUL and I’m just so pleased with the MARGARITA PIZZA that my friends insisted that we order, it’s just GREAT, THANK YOU. Oh my goodness, EXTRA NAPKINS!

And, friend of my friend who I just met, could you PLEASE tell me more about the home appliance you just bought (immersion blenders are AWESOME), and the show you that you saw at your niece’s school sounds SO WELL DONE I’m sure she was EXTREMELY TALENTED and was the BEST DINOSAUR in the play.

I’m still a little queasy, but that’s probably due more to the feigned interest in a stranger’s life story.

I wonder if I can feign enthusiasm in other areas of my life. Let’s try…COFFEE! I must have some coffee RIGHT AWAY!

And it will be WONDERFUL coffee and I shall put SPLENDA in it! And perhaps I will also make myself some OATMEAL! That would be GREAT! OATMEAL is good for CHOLESTEROL! Oh, I MUST do the DISHES! Think of all the SOAP! Oh look, the MAIL! I love LIFE!

Yeah, never mind.

 

Shamless Self-Promotion

Like the blog? You’ll love the book. I Work Better With An Audience: Thoughts on Life, Love, Food and Jiggly Bits available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble.com, and the CreateSpace e-store. Kindle person? No prob. Amazon’s got you covered.

And remember, you don’t need a Kindle to read Kindle books – there are free reading apps for your phone or tablet.

Fighting Crime With Really Big 80s Hair

Ok, this is HUGE news.

According to the news feed I get from Yahoo…

“KITT, the flame-throwing, river-jumping, talking muscle car from the `80s TV show ‘Knight Rider,’ is up for sale. Restored to its debut-season glory, the modified black 1982 Pontiac Trans Am is offered at $149,995 at a Dublin auto dealership.”

Let’s start a collection. Who’s with me?

“It is one of four documented “camera cars” used for close-up shots and scenes where David Hasselhoff, who played Michael Knight in the series, was behind the wheel.”

David Hasselhoff! Behind the wheel! But does that increase the value or lower it?

“Although it cannot achieve the 300 mph speeds that KITT reached, soar 50 feet in the air or throw smoke bombs, key features of the star car are intact. Perhaps most important, the red scanner light on the nose glows and makes a humming noise.”

OOOH. A humming noise.

The red nose glows? Is this the Rudolph of television cars? Did all the other cars laugh and call him names? You know it’s pretty bad when you get dissed by the Munster Mobile.

“The car has two working video screens on the dashboard, and the cockpit features buttons that light up in green, yellow and red: ski mode, rocket boost, micro jam, silent mode, oil slick and eject.”

Ski mode, rocket boost and eject I understand. This is important when you’re catching ’80s criminals on the slopes or in space. (Just make sure you dress in layers under your “Member’s Only” jacket.) But what the hell is micro jam? Something you put on tiny little pieces of toast?

“’Most of the buttons don’t do anything,’ Verhoek said. ‘Nor can the car hold a conversation or drive itself.’”

I think it’s funny they felt the need to be specific on the last two points.

“’KITT isn’t even street legal because of missing smog equipment and other modifications. Whoever buys the car will probably keep it in a private collection, or it may be purchased by a museum,’ Verhoek said.”

As long as it goes to a museum that also houses Alf, anything from “Manimal” and Joan Collins’ wigs. Or just Joan herself. I would go there.

Wait – it isn’t street legal because of MISSING smog equipment? Like if you stuck a new smog machine on there it could be cruising on I-55?

“The car belongs to Tim Russo of Livermore, a Kassabian customer who figured now was a good time to test the market, with the 25th anniversary of the show’s debut coming up. Russo purchased the car 10 years ago at an auction in San Diego, and has spent the last decade finding parts to restore it.”

I bet ejector seats and car skis were very hard to come by. I don’t think they have them at Wal-Mart. And he’ll probably spend the next decade trying to find someone to buy it.

“The winning bid at auction will also come with a private concert by the Hoff himself.”

It will cost you another 15k to make him go away.

I hope KITT finds a home. And no one is subjected to a Hasselfest. I’d love to bid on it, but I’m saving up for when Wonder Woman’s invisible plane goes on the market.