Don’t Send Me Email Forwards…

For some reason, I’m exhausted. And then I get stressed about being exhausted because I always feel like there’s something I should be doing, but I’m just too tired to do it. Consequently, I haven’t slept more than about 3 hours in a row in the last week and a half. I’m so tired I’m almost giddy. However, tired as I am, “Two and a Half Men” still doesn’t make me laugh, so obviously I haven’t completely lost it.

An acquaintance recently sent me this email forward. It’s a cute list, written by someone, entitled, “Things I’ve Learned.” Usually, I just skim through them, think, “Oh, that’s clever,” and hit delete. I was feeling a little punchy, so I decided to write my own responses to the list. Below is the original list that she sent me, (numbered, italicized and it quotations), followed by my responses.

1. “I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.”

I wish when you typed in an address in satellite “street view” they actually showed you that street, not something kinda close. I want to see where I’m going, not something over yonder.

2. “Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.”

Then you have to get creative, and change the point of the argument. Then when the person says, “Wait, aren’t we talking about car tires?” you can wail, “I can’t BELIEVE you think this is about CAR TIRES!”

3. “I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.”

Well, you can’t. Suck it up and be tired. Put down your blankie and deal.

4. “There is a great need for a sarcasm font.”

Yeah, sometimes the little winking guy icon juuuust doesn’t cover it.

5. “Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.”

I could watch “Syriana” in 10 years and I still won’t know.

6. “I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.”

I do this, but I only make it about 3 feet into the house before I simply plop the bags down on the floor and yell, “Food!” And then if I get no help, I wind up taking each bag into the kitchen individually. Takes twice as long, but I get to feel indignant and that’s always fun.

7. “I think part of your best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die…”

<Whispers> Bottom drawer…nightstand…

8. “Was learning cursive really necessary?”

How else would we identify the serial killers? “Oooh, look at this manifesto…he had a weird L. See that L? That’s the L of a killer, everyone…oh hello, Pastor Johnson….”

9. “Whenever someone says ‘I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart’, all I hear is ‘I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart.'”

Because it’s usually some white kid from the ‘burbs who says that. In their case, “street smart” means they use Google Earth to find the nearest Starbucks.

10. “Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said ‘Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies.'”

I once said, “P as in pork chop.” Hand to G-d.

11. “MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.”

They could start on #1 if they were more detailed. Like, “Go out the back door because your annoying neighbor is washing his car and will want to chat.” Or, “Take care not to hit the whiny kid who is riding his bike down the middle of the street and doesn’t have the sense to get out of the way.

Or even better…

1. Are you sure you want to be wearing that outfit?

2. Seriously?

3. It does nothing for your ass.

4. Last time you wore it, you complained that it rode up. Ok, but don’t bitch about it.

5. Merge onto 355N

12. “Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.”

Only if the obituary read, “Details are sketchy, but the death appears to have involved a watermelon, a pair of leiderhosen and a spatula…” That would be interesting.

13. “Bad decisions make good stories.”

 Bad dates make better ones.

14. “Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from; this shouldn’t be a problem…”

Usually the name and place part goes ok; it’s when people try to be funny that it goes horribly wrong. Look dude, you’re not Jon Stewart. Just say you have two kids and coach soccer and MOVE ON.

15. “You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.”

For me it was always 1:25 PM. Can’t explain it; it was just always 1:25 PM. If I was in a meeting I would just sigh loudly. People never knew why.

16. “Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.”

Look, we all said that after videos and cassette tapes. There is a point in the technology stream, however, when we all just have to throw up our hands and just start acting out the films for each other in our living rooms.

17. “I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.”

I’ve learned the hard way that the answer is always YES. YESYESYESYES.

18. “I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.”

And if it’s on shuffle, why does it always play all the same artists together? Or if not the same artists, then the same era. Can we just get past the ’70s, Mr. iPod? Pleeeeeze? Shuffle! Shuffle! Like a deck of cards!

19. “Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.”

That’s how you know it’s time to put down the Pinot and go home.

20. “Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, phone in their purse, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…”

I can reset it in my sleep. I’m THAT good.

If this trend continues, I may wind up sending out responses to family newsletters. I don’t see that ending well.


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